Razorbacks, Longhorns, And 5 Other Teams Named After Animals Their Fans Love To Fuck

College Football has many unanswered questions.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. How DID these teams get THESE mascots?

Our research shows, those fan bases f*ck those animals. Over and over. Razorbacks and Longhorns don’t surprise you? Us either! Here’s five more:

THE OREGON DUCK

Don’t let the big Disney eyes fool you, this freaky fowl knows exactly what he’s doing when he’s strutting his stuff pantsless around Autzen Stadium. Whether an Oregonian is taken in by his downy badonkadonk or surprised by his spring-loaded p*nis, he’s happy to fly south on a fan anytime of year.

NORTH CAROLINA STATE WOLFPACK

If two is company, and three is a crowd, then the NC State alumni Wolfpack orgy surely howls at the moon. Just remember that the ménage à trente with this furious flurry of canine lovers only ends one of two ways: they rip each other apart, or they tear that ass up. Sounds like a consensual win-win to us!

SYRACUSE ORANGE

Nothing gets someone from upstate New York hotter than abstract visual perceptions based on the electromagnetic spectrum. Is it actually an animal? They don’t know, but they’re not the only ones that’s fantasized about getting f*cked by red and yellow at the same time, you pansexual liberal arts trollops!

THE UC SANTA CRUZ BANANA SLUG

Who at UC Santa Cruz hasn’t fantasized about f*cking Sammy the Banana Slug?

NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH LEPRECHAUN

McBoner alert! This scrumptious little fella is a ferocious animal in the sack, and although he only comes once a year, that’s all he needs to dive into the pot of gold at the end of any ND fan’s rainbow.

Join us next time when we feature Michigan State’s Sparty the Spartan and the five other mascots that ghosted us after giving us an STD.