Anthropologists Announce That Humans Have Evolved Past The Need For The Arizona Cardinals

A groundbreaking study out of UCLA revealed Wednesday that human life has no further evolutionary need for the Arizona Cardinals. Some biologists are pointing to as early as December of 2020 as their “tipping point,” citing the retirement of wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. 

Lead scientist Dr. Durwin Macklin, who has been studying Arizona Cardinals for over 25 years, finally confirmed that modern man has no biological need — “or want,” he added — for the prolongation of this species. “With a quickly disappearing fanbase, it’s rare for someone to spot an Arizona Cardinal, much less talk to someone who has,” said Macklin. “Their quarterbacks are getting smaller and smaller, their head-coaches are getting more neanderthal-like . . . I mean, jeez, they don’t even have a nickname.” 

While it may be unclear what the Arizona Cardinals’ use to humanity was prior to 2025, some experts point to a 42% overall winning percentage and continuous, devastating losses to the Rams. But one analyst, a Dr. Anthony Romo, was quick to acknowledge that these features benefitted only their predators in the overall struggle for existence in the NFC West. 

“Sometimes you just need something in nature to make Kurt Warner look good,” conceded Romo, “but that was a long, long time ago.”

The research team noted that when Hall of Famer Larry Fitzgerald dies, the Cardinals will effectively go extinct. “We caught up with Fitz on our last trip to the Galapagos,” said Macklin. “He’s a hundred fifty years old and still can run a basic deep route. But even he won’t live forever.” 

Soon after returning from the Galapagos Islands, the team received the news that Fitzgerald had been eaten by a seahawk.