Tommy John So Tired Of Autographing Ligaments

Four-time All Star pitcher Tommy John finished his career with 288 career wins, 3 20-win seasons, and 2,245 strikeouts. Astounding numbers for sure. Numbers, however, that pale in comparison to the thousands of severed ligaments he’s been asked to autograph over the years.

 “People think of me, they don’t think of wins or stats. They think of torn UCLs. I mean, that’s all they hear. ‘Tommy John surgery’ this and ‘Tommy John surgery’ that,” complained the retired MLB legend. “But Christ, I’m signing so many inner arm ligaments, my elbow’s starting to hurt again.”

 John winced, rubbed his arm, and continued. “I mean, would it kill someone to just once ask me to sign a ball?! Or a glove?! Hell, even a jersey would be nice. I’m a fucking all-star, not just a piece of sinew!”

 “On average, an authenticated, mint condition, Tommy John-signed ligament goes for about $250,000 at auction,” said John Haynes, sport memorabilia expert/resident mortician at Sotheby’s. “I just had one go for $400,000. I recently heard of a gentleman who tore his own UCL on purpose just to have it signed and auctioned off. Collectors can’t seem to get enough of them, and the bloodier, the better.”

 John sighed, wiping a drop of plasma off his shorts after finishing another ligament signing. “Back in my day, you got a guy’s autograph on a baseball card, put it in a binder, and you were happy. Now if it’s not dripping wet and extracted by an orthopedic surgeon, these kids don’t even want to look at it. Game’s gone soft.”