Robert Saleh Still Can’t Smile Just Knowing Zach Wilson Is Out There Somewhere
By at least a handful of accounts, first-year Tennessee Titans head coach Robert Saleh is on the upswing following an unmerciful exit from the New York Jets. In Saleh’s mind, however, mercy is still in terrifyingly short supply — and will continue to be as long as his former starting quarterback and personal sleep paralysis demon Zach Wilson continues to roam the ever-darkening earth.
“People around the building keep saying ‘Jalal, I never see you smile! You must be so locked in.’ And they’re right, but it has nothing to do with the team. My head is on a constant swivel for that Mormon kid,” acknowledged Saleh, shaking. “I’ve been tracking his movements, and since I took this job, he’s already traveled from Miami to New Orleans. Zachary nears!”
The Titans and Saints are not slated to play each other during the upcoming season, a fact one may think would bring comfort to one of Wilson’s earliest victims. According to Saleh, it doesn’t matter where a third-string quarterback’s team is scheduled if the organization doesn’t care to check if said player makes the flight.
“Believe me, I’ve tried to get that scourge of humanity placed on the No Fly List, but the FBI is insistent that an alarming lack of athletic talent and a confirmed penchant for desecrating the dignity of much older women is not enough reason,” bawled the former defensive coordinator. “This is a national emergency! Trouble follows wherever that ghoulish elf goes. He joins the Dolphins, now Mike McDaniel is stuck in purgatory watching Jim Harbaugh paw at Justin Herbert like he’s a fresh gallon of whole milk. Aaron Rodgers tearing his ACL on 9/11 only for that little freak to take his place was no coincidence!”
After watching in horror as sophomore Titans quarterback Cam Ward completed less than 50 percent of passes and threw multiple interceptions in no-contact drills, Saleh was reportedly spotted taking a concealed “go bag” from under the bleachers and scurrying off to an undisclosed location.
