Philly Fans Worried Eagles Won’t Be Good Or Bad Enough To Burn Down City

Philadelphia fans expressed anxiety Sunday about the oncoming season in which the Eagles are ranked eighth and stand to slip even further toward the top-middle of the pack, begging the question: What do we do if we’re not Super Bowl champs or the doormats of the NFC East? 

“Our whole identity is at stake,” said Donnie Oliveri, 55, of Glenside, Pa., who’s “gone hard” since the Ron Jaworski days. “Every year since I can remember, we lose our minds on Broad Street, climbing light poles, smashing storefronts, and undoing pretty much everything the Founding Fathers worked to create. Then we black out and remember the whole thing only in photos on the front page of the Inquirer.” 

Oliveri wiped tears from his eyes before adding, “This year, I don’t fucken know.” 

The sentiment has been echoed in Communion lines, flower joints, eye joints, bowling-alleys, phys-ed offices, beer distributors, and funeral homes throughout the five-county area. The general sentiment is What the good God are we gonna do if the Eagles aren’t elite or dogshit this year? Even Philly sports radio has gone quiet in the past weeks, leaving residents feeling aimless, confused, and alone. 

Eagles head office meanwhile is busy trying to figure out a way to amp up or sabotage the 2026–27 season. “We’re in a real pickle,” admitted GM Howie Roseman. “The balance is off. Usually we’re able to leverage what we’ve got to create extreme ecstasy or crippling disappointment in the fans. But with Hurts expected to have a down year and the acquisition of Makai Lemon and trading A.J. Brown, we’re looking at something really unsettling like going 10–7 and just missing or just making the playoffs.” 

A day later, however, Saquon Barkley tore his ACL and the team figured out a way to trade OT Lane Johnson, paving the way for another dumpster fire of a season, restoring order fully in Philly.