Breaking: Caddie Has a Name?

In a stupefying turn of events, the caddie who’s been working at Pinehurst Golf Course No. 2 the past thirteen years appears to have  . . . a name? Then again, wait, how is that possible? 

Yes, the caddie, known around the course as “Caddie” or “Yo” or “Hey,” appears to have not only a name but an identity, a past, and — well, we know this sounds implausible — an interior life. 

“Aww, that’s adorable. Does he have a birthday too?” said Chipper Heath Burns III, 34, strapping a party hat on the caddie and taking a selfie with him for his Instagram. “No, he’ll never have a name. I mean, I know this guy is thirty-five years older than I am, but that’s in caddie-years.” 

Other patrons of Pinehurst expressed confusion, anger, and even outrage. “I was not prepared for this,” said G. Richard Rhine “Richie” Victorysmith III, 34, a member. “So that makes him, what? Like, a human being? I mean what are we saying here? My caddie has independent thoughts and dreams like the rest of us? Dear God. I think I have to sit down.” 

“What am I supposed to do, learn his name?” shouted Jarvis T. Winter “Trip” Preston-Price III, 34. “Gross. I was told they’re not supposed to have names because you could get attached.” Preston-Price III stopped play to call a member of a different club. “Yo. Does yours have a name? You don’t think so? Ha! He doesn’t think so!” 

Preston-Price III approached his caddie without seeming to know how to engage with him. He ended up knocking on his back like it was a door and asking his name. When the caddie turned and said his name was Trip, Preston-Price III fell to his knees and cried several curses, adding, “Does this mean I’m a caddie too?”