PGA Preemptively Bans A.I. Golf Balls That Moan When Struck

PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan has been hard at work trying to find an angle to make golf more appealing to a younger generation, but even he has a limit. Per sources, Monahan has gotten ahead of what he assumes everyone is thinking and has already moved to ban AI golf balls that moan when you hit them. 

“Our main concern will always be protecting the sanctity of the sport. So when my grandson sent me a video of Phil Mickelson whacking a ball with real people eyes that said ‘Harder Daddy,’ I immediately called Nike and Titleist and told those motherfuckers ‘not on my watch,’ said Monahan, noting with concern that the video had gotten over 3,000 views on some app called ‘Tik Tok’.  “some of my execs wouldn’t go for it, but I asked everyone one of them if they can moan for me in a non-sexual way and, guess what? They were completely silent!”

The move has mainly confused PGA golfers, as most were consistently using non-AI balls that made no noise when struck. However, there are some who have come out as firmly against the preemptive ban. 

John Daly, for one, was looking forward to the “future of golf,” since he claims to have been using moaning golf balls every day in his garage by himself. He even claims that they are somehow edible. 

“I’m sorry, I thought I was playing golf in America, not Soviet Russia,” bemoaned the typically reserved Scottie Schefler, “We’ve all seen the videos of this amazing technology. The future of golf was supposed to be AI balls shrieking in sexual ecstasy that I can then blast with my Fist-a-Putter 9000!”

Monahan has been reportedly monitoring the locker rooms of all major tournaments in search of the indecent, digitally altered balls. At one point, he stated that he had heard moaning coming from the lockers at the ISCO Championship, but was relieved to just find Tiger Woods conducting business as usual.