Olympics “Anti-Sex” Beds Imported From Sport Riot Readers’ Bedrooms

YOU’RE A HERO!!

In one of the country’s most inspiring acts of patriotism, Sports Riot readers have answered the call to send their sex–repelling beds to the brave athletes fighting for victory overseas at the 2024 Paris Olympics.

Scientists declared the need for Olympic “anti-sex” beds after studies showed the fatigue from constant, incredibly hot intercourse amongst the athletes at the Olympic Village caused Team USA to underperform in Tokyo. A sex-wicking bed became imperative to help our athletes focus their concentration and stamina on winning.

With the honor of our nation at stake, top minds quickly went to work finding a solution. “After an exhaustive search, we isolated one population whose beds had the most concentrated ‘anti-sex’ properties we’ve ever seen. Those beds belonged solely to Sports Riot readers,” Olympic scientist Dr. Kenny Feinberg told reporters. “We’re talking 100% pure, virgin beds completely unsullied by the touch of a lover or intimate companion. Frankly, these beds haven’t even come close to seeing anything vaguely resembling sex.”

Tracking down each Sports Riot reader to evaluate and export the qualifying beds was challenging. “We knocked on hundreds of thousands of basement doors and conducted a battery of tests involving black lights and sex-sniffing dogs,” Dr. Feinberg said, “and not one in the 78,623 beds we tested was rejected.”

Sports Riot readers were ecstatic to help. “This is the closest I’ll get to having someone else sleep in my bed,” said Sports Riot fan @PzzyPounder69. “I’m proud to do my part for Uncle Sam!”

For their service, the US Olympic Committee plans to award all Sports Riot readers with the Blue Ball Medal — the civilian equivalent of the Purple Heart.

Sports Riot has expressed their sincerest gratitude to their readers, saying, “God bless all the virgins who like and follow our page, especially the ones who heart this article. You are the truest American patriots of them all.”

A spokesperson from Sports Riot went on to clarify while using their hands to apply necessary air quotes, “Our beds too! The whole writing staff has never ‘done’ ‘sex.’”