Disappointing: Opening Ceremony Just Leads To Olympics

I, Jimmy LaRue, am a red blooded American man. Do I like pomp and circumstance? Like apple pie, I do. So when I heard France was throwing some extravagant televised soiree last night, I immediately called out of my Village Inn nightshift. And, what I saw with my own two eyes was a damn disgrace.

An entire country, nay, the ENTIRE WORLD came together to throw a commemoration for the ages. And for what? “Is House of Cards coming back!?”, I thought to myself. “No, no – think bigger Jim. A party like this? Must be some technological advancement. Or maybe contact with aliens?”

I have to admit, the ceremony was really something. From the Eiffel Tower to the boats in the Seine River looking almost clear of human sh*t. I was on the edge of my seat, I had to know what all this was for.

And then they told us.

The Olympics?

Wait, wait. The fucking Olympics?

The world just dropped $100 million on that display of misleading celebratory bullshit so we can watch competitors throw spears at… the sky?

 

WAIT.

 

I just found women’s beach volleyball.

 

I approve.

Jimmy approves.

Go, Olympics!