LESSER SPORTS

New York Islanders Begin Long, Perilous Voyage To Mainland For Season Opener
Raising their blue and orange sails and pulling out of the North Atlantic archipelago they call home, the New York Islanders have reportedly began their long, annual pilgrimage to the

BREAKING: “Cool Runnings” Playing On Channel 47
Multiple sources have confirmed that director Jon Turtletaub’s legendary sports film, Cool Runnings, is currently airing on Channel 47, prompting pause from Americans nationwide as the 1993 classic captivates millions

“U-Woof-C” Championship Match Shut Down Immediately By FBI
The filming of U-Woof-C 241, the acclaimed Animal Planet companion to ESPN’s UFC 241 slated to debut this Saturday, was stopped within the first thirty seconds when FBI agents stormed

Locker Room Language Taken Way Too Far When Man Mentions “Equality”
All men learn from a young age that the locker room is a sacred place, a holy shrine to masculinity. That is why it came as a shock to members

Opposing Player Deemed Not Too Injured To Laugh At
After concluding that an injury suffered by the opposing team’s star player didn’t look that bad, hometown fans say they felt comfortable enough this past Saturday to laugh openly at

Kenyan Tourist Accidentally Wins Marathon
Appearing disoriented and confused as he crossed the finish line, Kenyan tourist Kitwana Onyongo won the Chicago Marathon this Sunday without realizing that he was running it. “I heard a

Winner of Underwater Breath-Holding Competition Remembered as Hero
Neighbors and loved ones gathered poolside at the Warren County Recreational Center on Saturday to pay respects to local sports hero, Ryan Griffiths, 13, who won the 4th Annual US

Dad Comes Alive During Sports Section Of Trivial Pursuit
Suddenly taking interest in the match after zoning out during the first hour and a half of the National Trivial Pursuit Championship, this Thursday local dad Patrick Gilson propelled his




