New York Islanders Begin Long, Perilous Voyage To Mainland For Season Opener

Raising their blue and orange sails and pulling out of the North Atlantic archipelago they call home, the New York Islanders have reportedly began their long, annual pilgrimage to the New York mainland in search of a better life.

“When my great-grandfather sailed to America for our inaugural season, he didn’t find any streets paved with gold, but he did find one cup made of silver,” captain Anders Lee said. “Then he found it again three more times!” he loudly declared amidst shouts from his teammates before deploying the second line to swab the decks.

The message, written on parchment with quill and ink, said that one week into the voyage veteran center Tanner Fritz drowned after team officials threw him overboard to dump his $850,000 salary. The team held a vigil aboard the vessel to honor his memory.

Historians also claim the Islanders conducted several failed prisoner exchanges and have a demonstrably poor record of recruiting young sailors to propel the crew beyond its chief rivals. There is hope, they say, for a much brighter future with the current crew.

Update: Sources report the Islanders, after being blown off course by Tropical Storm Ovechkin, have run aground in Haiti, where they have claimed the island in the name of the National Hockey League and King Gary Bettman.