Kenyan Tourist Accidentally Wins Marathon

Appearing disoriented and confused as he crossed the finish line, Kenyan tourist Kitwana Onyongo won the Chicago Marathon this Sunday without realizing that he was running it.

“I heard a gun go off and saw a bunch of people start running, so I ran with them,” said Onyongo, referring to the Chicago Marathon’s start line in Grant Park. “I was quite jet lagged and I had run there straight from the airport, but it seemed like a great way to do some sightseeing, and less expensive than ordering an Uber.”

According to Onyongo, the route taken by the fleeing group allowed him to experience much of the midwestern city’s culture. In addition to stopping several times during the race for deep dish pizza and polish sausage, the 34-year-old Kenyan national toured the Art Institute of Chicago, rode the ferris wheel at Navy Pier, and visited the Willis Tower Skydeck.

After visiting Chicago’s popular tourist destinations, Onyongo napped, attended a Northwestern Ph.D. thesis defense, and applied for a green card before spotting the second-place runner on the horizon.

“Thankfully I had time to pick up some DayQuil at CVS, since my throat had been hurting all morning,” he said.

While accepting his first-place trophy, Onyongo, who just recorded the fourth fastest time in Chicago Marathon history, told reporters that he never expected to see himself win a race.

“Back in Kenya, when my friends and I run, I frequently come in last,” he said. 

Onyongo hastily concluded his post-race interview, telling reporters that he had a meeting 90 miles away in Milwaukee in 4 minutes and wanted to arrive early.