BREAKING: “Cool Runnings” Playing On Channel 47

Multiple sources have confirmed that director Jon Turtletaub’s legendary sports film, Cool Runnings, is currently airing on Channel 47, prompting pause from Americans nationwide as the 1993 classic captivates millions of hearts and souls.

“The second I heard Cool Runnings was on, I ran out of work to hopefully catch a glimpse of the film before it went to commercial break,” said 30-year old Wall Street banker and Jamaican bobsledding enthusiast, Tommy Scarborough. “By the time I got off the subway, I heard the knee-slapping screams coming from Times Square, and there were people everywhere, all watching the hilarious part when Sanka’s braid freezes off in the frigid Calgary cold. I’ll never forget it.”

Schools across the country dismissed classes early, giving children the chance to safely watch the comedy sports film nearly certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes with buttered popcorn from the comfort of their own home. The FAA also grounded thousands of flights to give passengers the chance to see Yul Brenner pump up Junior in front of the bathroom mirror.

“This was an easy decision made in the cultural interest of Americans,” said FAA spokesperson Lawrence Costigan. “Our priority is ensuring all Americans learn the lessons of not giving up on their dreams, just like Yul.”

Channel 47 has issued a statement saying there is about 15 minutes left before the closing credits and that unfortunately, the dance-inspired fight in the country western bar has already happened.

This is a developing story. Check back with SportsRiot for continuing coverage.