Historic World Cup Hat Trick For 38-Year-Old Confirms Soccer Is Really Fucking Easy
They call it the Beautiful Game: a poetic ballet of heart and tactical genius serving as the ultimate test of physical endurance and unmatched skill. But after watching 38-year-old senior citizen Lionel Messi effortlessly score a World Cup “hat trick”, Ed Long from Pittsfield, Massachusetts thinks it’s all lies.
“‘Trick’ is goddamn right. This ain’t no sport,” began Long from the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings Tuesday afternoon. “My 70-year-old fucking uncle could score 3 times and he wouldn’t need some pansy-ass neon cleats to do it. Just his regular orthotics. Christ, I think the goalie was wearing an oxygen mask.”
Jimmy Wren, Long’s drinking partner and fellow soccer skeptic, couldn’t agree more. “The goal’s the size of a double-wide, they only put one guy in there to guard it, and people are losing their minds because he kicked it past him three times? How hard can it be? I bet [former New England Patriots kicker Adam] Vinatieri could put twenty in like that blindfolded!”
Wren finished his ninth Labatt Blue and continued. “Imagine how many goals this Italian guy could score if he just picked the damn ball up and ran with it like a man.”
“These so-called athletes are jogging for 90 minutes,” added Buffalo Wild Wings manager/bartender Lou Figgis. “Put ‘em in Death Valley on a Saturday night against the LSU defense and they’re leaving in body bags.”
“Look at that–the guy can’t even kick the damn thing straight!” added Long, watching as Messi curled his third goal over 30 degrees neatly into the lower-right corner of the net. “When I shank a golf ball sixty yards into the driving range woods, they say I’m trash. And don’t get me started on the defense. The other team couldn’t even score 4 points, meanwhile my nephew’s T-ball team puts up 14 runs by the second inning. And they suck.”
As of the end of the match, Long, Wren, and Figgis were all arguing about whether or not the soccer players had also “completely ripped off” the “flopping” technique from the much harder American game of basketball.
