Report: Noticeably Intoxicated Mr. Met Forcibly Removed From Knicks Parade

The ticker-tape parade to celebrate the Knicks’ NBA championship was interrupted Thursday as witnesses say a visibly intoxicated man with a baseball for a head blocked traffic and attempted to incite a riot. 

The man has since been identified as Mr. Met. 

NYPD officer Andrea Kern responded to a disturbance call on the corner of Broadway and Cedar Street. A man in an overcoat and sunglasses, drinking from a paper bag, was seen booing the Knicks, blocking parade vehicles by lying down in the street, and using a Chandler SP22J bat first as a “pretend phallus” and then as a weapon aimed at fans and bystanders alike. 

“Immediately I called for backup,” said Kern, who has been with the force since 2022. “It took six of us to get him to the ground. When, after several attempts, he couldn’t put his hands on his head, we cuffed him behind the back. Then the problem was fitting him into the squad car.” 

At NYPD’s 1st precinct, the man was stripped down to a pinstriped no. 00 jersey and identified as Mr. Met, whose baseball franchise hasn’t had a parade in almost forty years. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said Mr. Met, 64, when reached for comment. “Everything’s Knicks-this, Knicks-that. Meanwhile the Mets are playing Cincinnati tonight on Pix11. Nobody cares. Where’s my paper bag?” 

“The season’s been rough,” admitted Mets GM David Stearns. “On Mr. Met specifically. He’s been Mr. Drunk lately. When he saw the Knicks win and the city celebrating, I think that made him finally snap.” 

Also taking it hard was Mr. Met’s track-suit-and-balaklava-wearing parade-day accomplice, the search for whom concluded when police apprehended a “Mr. Thomas Thibodeau” at his home in Connecticut.