Report: We Tried Shaq’s Diet For One Day And Now We’re In The Hospital!

Shaquille O’Neill is a generational athlete whose talent is unmatched. We at Sports Riot know that is only part of the equation, though, and that the right diet is what can truly make an athlete elite. That’s why we tried Shaq’s diet for one day, and also why we earned a highly contested spot in the intensive care unit.

We reached out to Shaq’s nutritionist, Dr. Michael Tseng, who sent us a robust grocery list. While it wasn’t easy to purchase a “Papa John’s Franchise,” that proved far simpler than such items as “a dozen ostrich eggs” and “BBQ rhino ribs,” both of which required extensive market research. 

We started off strong at breakfast by consuming 7,000 grams of fat with a Blue-Takis-And-Whole-Smithfield-Ham smoothie, but what was surprising was Shaq’s highly specific hydration plan: “Six two-liters of [generic Wal-Mart brand soda] Dr. Thunder–make sure they’re FLAT!!!” This definitely was not the fluorescent-sweat-producing Gatorade we had expected, but if it was good enough for a four time NBA Champion, then who were we to question?

Lunch had us a little more concerned: Where could we find a “drum barrel” of ice cream? Can Burger King even legally offer an “Octuple Whopper?” We decided to just order four doubles and stack them together until we could figure out how to “break into a Cold Stone Creamery.” 

Next thing we knew, our entire staff woke up surrounded by a team of cardiologists, several of whom were crying. At their behests, and those of our worker’s compensation insurance company, we were forced to end the experiment. Sadly, we will never know what it is like to be great like Shaq. 

Fear not, though, readers: We at Sports Riot promise to go right back to work after we leave the hospital tomorrow. Stay tuned next week for us to describe what it was like following Jose Canseco’s workout program.