Brother-Sister Figure Skating Duo Definitely Fucking, Right?

The other day, I was sitting in my home, enjoying figure skating like all red-blooded American men do. Tragically, my joy quickly dissipated when a tandem of brother-sister figure skating sideshow freaks paraded before my virgin eyes. Tight leotards, gentle embraces. Those two are definitely fucking, right?

When the announcers stated these twins got their start after the sister walked in on her brother doing a triple axel alone, I nearly choked on my Triscuits. Then I saw their matching outfits. I don’t know what’s more taboo: coordinating skin-tight, glitter-encrusted onesies or thrusting one’s crotch in their brother’s face for a highly technical, yet illegal and disgusting ice dance move on international television. The sexual tension was palpable.

And not to nitpick here, but incest aside, she’s way out of his league. I don’t care if they do share bunk beds, grandparents and DNA, no amount of common interests can make up for the fact that she’s a Montreal nine and he’s a Winnipeg five. He must be packing a real heater beneath that leotard.

I mean, come on, they skated to Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On.’ Save the sex playlist for the family cabin. What a couple of creeps. Nothing grosser than knockin’ skates with your sibling. Oh, what’s this now? They’re step-siblings? 

Well. 

In that case…that’s kind of hot.