Aaron Rodgers Announces Plans To Astral-Project Into Tim Boyle’s Body

Saying he has a “contingency plan” if his healing timeline does not pan out, injured Jets superstar Aaron Rodgers held a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he intended to be astral-projecting into quarterback Tim Boyle’s body starting this upcoming game.

“I can no longer wait on the sidelines when my team — and the world — needs me,” stated Rodgers, “I’ve huddled with the spirits who guide me to deeper knowledge, and it’s time for me to inhabit Tim’s corporeal form, overpower his back-up level essence, and guide the Jets to victory.”

When asked why he did not attempt the astral-projection as soon as he was injured, the veteran was adamant that he already had undergone “several failed attempts,” blaming Zach Wilson’s spirit for not being far enough down the planar field to get open for Rodgers’ “perfect spiraled” projection technique.

“I have already successfully astral-projected into every great living Hall of Famer in order to gain their powers. I’m an astral veteran, I’ve seen it all. Given all the insane stuff happening inside of Joe Namath’s body, I don’t think Tim’s will be a challenge.”

The ritual will take place early Friday, with Boyle being placed on the NY Jets team’s coprolite slab that’s anointed with the burnt remnants of the Super Bowl XLV game ball. Rodgers will be situated across from him, drinking local grass-fed ayahuasca from the exhumed skull of Vince Lombardi. Finally, to complete the spiritual transfer, Allen Lazard will need to be blood sacrificed, which even Lazard is reportedly okay with.

“Once I’m inside Tim’s mind pocket, by avoiding the mind rush not only will I be able to elevate his gameplay, I’ll also be able to diagnose what he’s getting wrong,” concluded Rodgers. “That way maybe he’ll learn to become a passable replacement for me after I attain full enlightenment, shed my earthly form, and enter the Astral Hall of Fame.”

UPDATE: As of game time, Aaron Rodgers’ astral spirit has been sacked and killed, due to an adverse reaction to the vaccines in Tim Boyle’s body.