Big Ten Assures Public Next Sex Abuse Scandal Will Be A Little More Private

The Big Ten issued a statement Monday assuring the public that the next sexual abuse scandal that rocks the conference will be kept a little more private than has been the case in the past.

“We recognize that hearing about the systemic abuse that pervades our athletic programs can be overwhelming for the general public,” wrote Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren, referring to the numerous sexual abuse scandals that schools in their conference have faced over the past decade. “The next time something like that comes to our attention, we promise not to burden you with the upsetting details of what’s really going on behind the scenes.”

Warren went on to explain the lessons they’ve learned from previous scandals. “It should have been clear after the Jerry Sandusky fiasco that making these things public is always a bad idea. Just think of how many people we could have saved from becoming angry and disturbed if only we’d helped Penn State sweep those allegations under the rug. That’s our fault and we’re truly sorry.”

According to Warren, protecting the remaining Big Ten schools that have not yet had a sexual abuse scandal will be a priority going forward. “When it comes to schools like Illinois, Wisconsin, and Indiana, we know they’ve all got something to hide, and we’re committed to helping them hide it.”

Warren ended the statement by reconfirming the Big Ten’s commitment to using their resources to help overturn Larry Nassar’s conviction.