Coach’s Rousing Speech Reminds Seniors This Could Be Their Last Chance To Get Away With Sexual Assault

Heading into the potentially final game of the season, Oak State head coach Ron Watson already felt wistful. His players were graduating and moving on with life. So, Watson did what any true player’s coach would do: Delivered a rousing pre-game speech to remind seniors this could be their last chance to get away with sexual assault.

Watson unleashed the inspirational monologue in the locker room, reminding them that as long as they put up 40, they could leave “trace evidence, fibers, DNA, anything linking you to the crime behind.”

“Life is not a game of basketball. You don’t know what you’ll get away with out there,” Watson said, instructing the impressionable young men to look around the room at their teammates. “Once you leave the hardwood behind, you can be an investment banker worth millions and still be taken down on assault charges the exact same day.”

Watson, voice trembling, urged his players to stick to the fundamentals: “Play solid defense for 60 minutes tonight, and you can celebrate by denying that you were even at the afterparty one last time.” 

The team has successfully dodged nearly a dozen allegations this year alone, Watson proudly noted, adding that this special group nearly tied his record of 15 suppressed investigations, dating all the way back to 2006, thanks to their division-leading record.

The poignant moment was punctuated by the players placing their hands in a circle, chanting “Acquit!” on three, and slapping the motivational banner reading, “Four Quarters for Jane Doe,” in the locker room before entering the court.

It clearly resonated. University police said they received zero reports of sexual assault after the postgame party.