Dick Sucking: Should We Add It To Football?

Like most Americans, we’ve been thinking a lot about how to improve the NFL and the game we love. And it got us thinking: Should we add dick-sucking to football? Can these two American pastimes possibly coexist under one retractable roof?

We’re all looking for sports to be better, right? Baseball just added the pitch clock and made the bases bigger. What if football did the same but with dicks? And what if instead of a “dick clock” it was a huge spiraling dick rising through the uprights of somebody’s mouth?

You have to admit, it’s a pretty compelling idea. We went from six-to-midnight just thinking about it. Need more evidence?

Here are some dead times that are a prime window for dick-sucking:

• Injury timeout: Have somebody suck somebody else’s dick.
• Right before the snap: Same thing. Dick. Sucking.
• The National Anthem: Now this is the kind of kneeling we can all get behind!!

And who wouldn’t want to hear Tony Romo — ole Nostradickmus himself — give pinpoint analysis while Jim Nantz provides the play-by-play?

There will also be drawbacks. Bill Bellichick will probably come out against the soon-to-be pastime. “Call me old school,” he’ll say, “but I don’t like dick-sucking.”

Fair enough. But I’m sure other fixtures will put their weight behind it. Kirk Cousins will give provisional consent as long as the parties involved are married. The Player Safety Advisory Panel will okay it as long as they wear mouthguards and helmets. And according to Jerry Jones, dick-sucking is already part of his ‘Articles of Ownership’!

All we’re saying is think about it. Cardinals fans, Jets fans — you know about sucking because you’ve done it for a long time. Now we’re just adding some dick.

Pretty flawless argument, if we do say so ourselves.

Who is against dick-sucking? COME FORWARD.

…that’s what we thought.