Experts Weigh In: Is This Finally The Year Ohio State and Michigan Just Fuck Already?

For over 125 years, Ohio State and Michigan have been dragging out the game of “will they, won’t they.” Now, the generation-spanning question is finally reaching its climax — can the Buckeyes and Wolverines finally just get to fucking?

“Hey, I love Michigan even more than mommy Jackie’s homemade goulash. But eventually, I was thinking less about Big Blue and more about my big blue balls,” admitted former head coach Jim Harbaugh. “I knew it was time to move on to the NFL when I felt more tense than Urban Meyer at a Columbus bar that doesn’t ID.”

According to college football relationship expert Kirk Herbstreit, the feeling is mutual.

“We have to analyze the facts. Ohio State and Michigan make a point to go to each other’s houses every year, and when they do, the homoerotic energy is so thick it has to be cut with the down marker,” said the bygone Buckeyes quarterback. “And when Ohio State won the Natty, Michigan rightfully knew their sexpot nemesis was thinking about them the whole time. How? Because when Michigan was smashing Washington in 2024, they had to imagine they were  fucking the Buckeyes to get the job done.”

Though all eyes are on the inevitable “Big Ten Fuck Fest,” it’s worth noting that Auburn and Alabama copulate on a regular basis. However, the matchup receives less attention due to it simply being another notch in the SEC’s unbecoming tendency toward ramming their dowsing rods into their cousins’ storm drains.