“Female Bobby Knight” Smashes Glass Ceiling With Chair

Move over Pat Summit, there’s a new female NCAA coach on the scene that’s not only making waves with her victories, but leaving a trail of destroyed furniture and physical assaults in her wake.

Dubbed the “Female Bobby Knight” by fans, this slightly overweight coach with an affinity for pullovers cut her teeth in the women’s NCAA tourney before actually cutting a player’s shoulder with her teeth during a fit of rage—earning her the head coaching position for Indiana University men’s basketball team.

“I knew she had good fundamentals and five NCAA championships under her belt, but it wasn’t until I learned what a violent asshole she was when I knew she could coach men,” said Indiana University athletic director, Scott Dolson. “Championships mean nothing. Know what means something? Bruises. Verbal Abuse. That gets results.”

The men of IU basketball are happy to have her on board. “I respect her, but most of all, I fear her. I mean, she’s in my daymares,” said one player speaker on the condition of anonymity out of fear of retribution. 

“She’s not afraid to take risks. Or catch a case,” added another teammate through a wired jaw. “I saw her push Scott Dolson down two flights of stairs for asking her name. And guess what? We won that night. And we still don’t know her name.”

Sports journalists note that she always had the makings to be the best, but it wasn’t until she became a vindictive lunatic that she was ready for the big stage of men’s sports. “She literally smashed the glass ceiling of the IU rec center with a folding chair,” said ESPN’s Jay Williams. “What an inspiration.”

Whether or not she can live up to Bobby Knight’s legacy remains to be seen, but until then, she vows to succeed Coach K in becoming the NCAA’s meanest shitbag.