Finally: NFL Releases Statement Denying Pat Tillman Died Of CTE

Nearly 20 years after Pat Tillman’s death, the NFL has finally clarified the former Arizona Cardinals safety did not die of CTE while on patrol in Afghanistan.

Commissioner Roger Goodell made the announcement yesterday, touting the results of a thorough, multi-year investigation. “Despite rampant conjecture surrounding the subject of CTE and the deaths of NFL players, we are here to confirm once and for all that Pat Tillman’s death was not football-related,” he told reporters. “So, let’s pop some corks, everyone. This is a big day for all of football-kind.”  

To corroborate the league’s findings, Goodell pointed out that a third-party New York Times article from 2004 also reached the same conclusion. “Not once does this article suggest playing in the NFL led to Tillman’s premature passing,” Goodell said while opening a bottle of Cristal. “So, that means nobody can call our investigation a sham!” 

According to Goodell, the findings contradicted what he called the “recent trend” of blaming the NFL for the tragic, early deaths of its players. “Pat Tillman is proof that CTE is not the bogeyman it’s portrayed to be. More than anything, Pat’s death has proven that what we should really be afraid of is bullets.”