Hear Us Out: Basketball But With Power Plays And Players Can Beat The Shit Out Of Each Other

You’ve seen the games—the ticky-tack fouls, the primadonna superstars, the lack of head injuries. NBA players are the softest professional athletes anywhere. But fret not, we have an easy fix: add power plays to basketball and let players beat the shit out of each other.

Basketball has no grit. The lack of physicality is pathetic. And, the lack of repercussions for bad actors is as nausea-inducing as watching rich parents “discipline” their kids. How about when a player fouls somebody, they have to sit out and the other team gets a 5 on 4 that will last for two minutes or until they score. That’ll teach you not to go over-the-back.

And if you must foul, instead of a mild reach-in, why not just throw a punch to the fucking face? Draymond Green talking too much shit? Grab his jersey and push his nose into the back of his skull until one of you falls to the ground. Then sit in the box we’ve added across from the bench for five minutes and revel in the glory that comes from dropping your mitts. You’ll be wearing mitts by the way.

There’s also too many points in basketball. Where’s the challenge? Make those nets shorter and wider, then try to break 100, superstar. Basketball players are the tallest, most athletic guys in the world except for maybe three NFL players. And yet, they display their talents on hardwood? Slap some knives to your feet, uncover the frozen Atlantis beneath the hardwood, and put on a real show, why don’t ya?

Seriously. 

Oh, and how long’s it been since a basketball player suffered a severe spinal cord injury? Too long.