Hospital Visit From Team Punter Alerts Kid To Fact He’s Probably Gonna Survive

The appearance of Dolphins’ punter Alex Loman on Wednesday confirmed to the family of 6-year-old crash-victim Colin Hannegan that Colin would not only survive the accident but likely, one day, be able to walk again.

“Oh, God, are we thrilled to see you!” said Colin’s mother Greta Hannegan, who feared seven-time Pro Bowl receiver Tyreek Hill could walk through the door any minute. She raised her hands and added, “The Lord has answered our prayers that a non-skill position would come a-knocking.”

Upon Colin’s arrival at Miami-Dade County Children’s Hospital on Monday, surgeon Herb Whitnack transferred Colin directly to the ICU. “We knew it would be a Hail Mary for the boy to survive,” said Whitnack. “But then he rallied and somehow got the diagnosis down to ‘punter.’”

Colin thanked Loman for visiting and accepted his signed #2 jersey, but, when asked if he wanted to grow up to punt one day, replied with a firm no, calling punters “irrelevant.”

Said Loman of his most recent visit to Miami-Dade, “Usually I see kids with strained rotator cuffs, IBS, or eczema. But today I got to go in and deliver good news to an actual crash victim. This is the reason why I kick footballs for a living.”

By the vending machine in the hallway, Colin’s father Barnie Hannegan expressed disappointment with the news. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Barnie, who reported to have “played a little football” in his day. “I’m happy with the diagnosis. But I was really hoping to meet Tua Tagovailoa.”