I Spent Hours Researching For A March Madness Bracket, But I’m Sure As Shit Not Gonna Vote This November

Though I’ll spend hours crunching data, conducting polls, and watching game tape during the NCAA tournament this March, I can guaran-damn-tee you I’m not going to waste any time participating in the democratic process this November.

After all, why spin my wheels on two boring teams when I could be researching 68 super-exciting, super-sweaty teams? Why let my vote be a drop in the bucket when I can have complete and utter control of my bracket? Maybe if the clowns in Washington got Dick Vitale to moderate a debate, or if elections had cheerleaders or marching bands, I’d be all in. Heck, I’d be the first one making reservations at Buffalo Wild Wings to watch.

And who knows, maybe if those politicians could come up with an economic play to turn my $20 into $2,000 dollars like Gonzaga or Duke can, I’d reconsider. But let’s be honest, those fat cats in D.C. only care about their own money, unlike the NCAA.

The last time I voted was in 2016. It was the same year I correctly predicted Villanova coming from out of nowhere to beat the Tar Heels. I mean, which one of those activities turned out better for me and society? So no, I’m not looking into senators or comparing their platforms or keeping up-to-date on all their sexual misconduct charges. I’m spending three hours every day analyzing Syracuse’s zone defense.

And most importantly, any person in the U.S. can fill out a bracket. What’s more American than that? It’s unlike the election this November, where I’m not even allowed to vote this time on account of my felonies.