Is Taysom Hill The Utility Knife Of Quarterbacks Or The 8-Speed Blender Of Tight Ends?

With the NFL Draft behind us, and with mini camp coming soon The New Orleans Saints have quite the decision to make at quarterback. Is Taysom Hill “that guy” or is he more of an 8-speed blender of a tight end? Taysom Hill has impressed us for years with his ability to excel at a variety of different positions. Four years into his career, though, sports analysts still struggle to accurately define him: Is Hill more of a QB, tight end, or gunner? And much more importantly: Is he a slotted spoon or a pressure cooker? Since ESPN doesn’t have the guts to make up its mind, we here at Sports Riot will once again do their dirty work and break it down for you.

The classic take from Saints fans is that Hill is, of course, the professional stand mixer (cranberry color) of quarterbacks, because he “mixes” his talents into a cohesive dough of gritty yards and also makes for a flashy Christmas gift. But come on, Saints fans: Hill has so much more range than a mere pastry-machine-slash-egg-white-whipper could ever possibly hope to convey. We’re giving that analogy a solid “half-baked.”

What about the milk frother of wide receivers, then? As much as Saints Twitter went absolutely nuts when Al Michaels proclaimed this back in 2019, we respectfully disagree. When was the last time a milk frother, or even a coffee grinder, ran in eight touchdowns in a season? And as for Tony Romo’s assertion that Hill is the two-in-one-pineapple-corer-and-avocado-de-pitter of special teams? We love you, Tony, but that comparison is about as useful as an electric mandoline slicer without the optional matchstick-cut attachment.

But wait, there’s more! Hill’s not your average everyday unitasker: As a wide receiver, he slices and dices. As a quarterback, he can make soups, sauces, and smoothies out of even the most fibrous of defensive lines. And he can scramble out of the pocket to have a homemade lasagna table-ready in under 30 minutes flat. He’s these talents and more, all for the low, low price of four easy payments of $10,000,000.00!