Kansas City Royals Owner Arrested For Attempting To Scalp 12,372 Tickets Before Game

The Kansas City Police Department confirmed in a statement today that they have taken Royals owner John Sherman into custody, after the profusely sweating 64-year-old was observed outside of Kauffman Stadium trying to scalp 12,372 tickets for this Saturday’s game.

“Mr. Sherman has been charged with 4 counts of violation of Kansas City municipal code 50-108, as well as 12,368 counts of attempted violation of the same code,” said KCPD spokeswoman Dana Williams, who blamed the delay in apprehension on the fact that officers had to confirm that the regular price of tickets was indeed below $2.75 before making the arrest. “I hope this serves as a lesson for any Kansas City residents trying to attend a Royals game: Whether it’s finding them through the stadium’s official ticket office, a licensed online vendor, or casually discarded along the side of the freeway, there are plenty of other, legal ways to acquire Royals tickets.

“Seriously,” the spokeswoman added. “It’s not hard.”

Williams went on to detail the heroic efforts of the KCPD in capturing Sherman. “As soon as he realized our plainclothes officer was not an enthusiastic Royals supporter, which in retrospect might have been pretty obvious, the suspect fled on foot inside the stadium.” Williams stated. “Fortunately, being only one of three people in the entire section behind home plate, he was easily spotted and summarily apprehended.”

While no one is sure of what drove Sherman to scalp the tickets, sources from inside the Royals administration have speculated that the impossible pressure of trying to keep the team from going bankrupt could have been the culprit, as no one from the management office has been able to cash their paychecks for the past eight weeks.