NCAA Psychiatrists Now Believe Nation’s March Madness Symptoms Were Present As Early As Last November

Emerging evidence suggests that symptoms of the illness commonly known as ‘March Madness’ (martius insanus) may have been present in the U.S. as early as November 2021, according to NCAA psychiatrists.

While experts debate whether the first case originated with mascots before making the jump to humans (known as spikonic transmission due to the virus resembling the Gonzaga bulldog “Spike”) or leaked from a Duke University research lab, it’s widely accepted the disease likely arose in November 2021 and that uncovering its source is essential toward preventing future outbreaks.

“This is a serious epidemic,” says NCAA’s chief psychiatrist Advika Khatri. “One hesitates to call it a pandemic, but, if things continue to spread at their current rate, especially with Davidson getting hot right now, we are prepared to consider it a global threat.”

Symptoms include:

• Changing of skin color to orange, green, blue, or blue with white stripes
• Discordant cosplay
• Elongated index fingers
• Raising of the arms synchronously in crowds of people
• Confused elation
• Depression
• Gambling away your life savings

Khatri noted that the elimination of one’s favorite team often has little effect on domestic cases, as those afflicted with the illness move on quickly to new and loud talk of how their bracket was going so well “up until this past week.”

“If you encounter any individuals displaying these symptoms, evidence shows that earplugs and noise-canceling headphones may decrease your odds of getting infected,” Khatri advised.

Despite the NCAA’s warnings, many conferences, such as the SEC, the Big South, and the Southern Conference, refuse to see March Madness as a threat and tend to downplay or even refute its existence.