NFC South Secedes From NFL

Refusing to comply with the league’s latest updated roster requirements, the NFC South seceded from the NFL today, announcing plans to form a more perfect alliance of its own called the Sectionalist Football League (SFL).

“For too long, we NFC Southerners have suffered under the oppressive thumb of the NFL – what with it’s free-market crushing salary cap and hatred of Individual Teams’ Rights,” said Carolina Panthers coach and expected first-Commissioner of the SFL, Matt ‘J.D.’ Rhule. “Well, that ends today. As of 12:00AM Fort Sumter time, the SFL and its Founding Owners are formally taking our ball – which is square – and going home.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, whose new contract effectively kicked-off the secession, says that although he has no plans to recognize the SFL as legitimate, he has begun advising Teams to stockpile equipment and cut off all player trades to the NFC South in anticipation of the legal war that lays ahead.

“A headquarters divided against itself cannot stand,” said Goodell, “In light of this, I’m issuing ‘Proclamation 2020,’ which hereby declares that all players held under contract within rebellious teams are, and henceforward shall be, free. That means you, too, 6-Ring Field Marshall Brady. Remember: you were once a Patriot.”

With tensions continuing to escalate by the day, sports historians are already warning fans that should both leagues fail to reach a compromise by mid-April, the football nation will likely be forced into a long, bloody Civil Bowl.