Now It Makes Sense: Mark Davis Has Been Dead For 3 Years

Shedding light on a question NFL fans and journalists alike have often raised, the Clark County Coroner’s Office in Las Vegas released an official statement on Thursday that Raiders owner Mark Davis has, in fact, been dead for 3 years.

“Based on examination of the body, our findings conclude that Mr. Davis died peacefully at home sometime three seasons ago,” began the report. “Following the pallidness of skin that is normally associated with rigor mortis, Mr. Davis followed the natural bloat and mottling pattern of Stages 2 and 3 of human decomposition. Based on progression history, it is believed Mr. Davis will enter Stage 5 ‘Skeletonization’ at some time during the 2025 regular season.”

The two-page report listed both the death and Mr. Davis’ subsequent post-death reanimation as stemming from “natural causes,” a statement the office has refused to elaborate upon.

“When they told me Mark was dead, a lot of things just clicked into place for me,” said Raiders recently fired general manager Dave Ziegler. “We were all on board to sign Aaron Rodgers, when Mark made this unearthly, guttural noise that sounded like ‘Garoppolo,’ we all just shrugged and went with that. But the team doctors tell me that was probably just the sound of gas escaping his mouth due to post-death chest pressure.”

Ziegler also mentioned Davis’ death explained the live rat crawling out of his mouth during last year’s NFL draft.

Although family members are calling for a dignified end to Davis’ post-mortem reign, the Raiders’ board have voted unanimously that the deceased 68-year-old can continue ownership of the team. They did ask, however, for security measures around Davis to be increased, as a group of local teen pranksters appear to have been sneaking inside the owner’s box every game to give his corpse that ridiculous haircut.