Opinion: Goalies Should Have Access To A Crossbow

Growing up a young lad in Regina, Saskatchewan, hockey has always been in my blood. But what I noticed today from the comfort of my couch while watching Hockey Night in Canada is that the game has become far too Americanized: teams in Phoenix and Tampa Bay instead of St. Catherines and Lethbridge for Pete’s sake. You want my humble opinion? Let’s return the game to its roots. Let’s make sure all goalies have access to a crossbow.

For goalies, hockey is 60 minutes of reading plays, performing wild acrobatics, and standing in front of 160.93 km/h shots. Why not let goalies go on the offensive and connect with their hockey ancestors who resorted to skating around frozen ponds with elk antlers after a full day of bow hunting?

I yearn for the day where a netminder rushes to the bench, grabs a TenPoint Vapor RS470 and fires it down the neutral zone out of sheer boredom or frustration. Imagine that in the NHL — Auston Matthews deking around the rink with arrows in his shoulders smiling and waving at the adoring fans who are relieved to know we’re taking back our darn game — or watching when Connor McDavid finally wins the Stanley Cup and he winces in pain while trying to lift 15.64 kgs of hockey history over his head, just as Howie Morenz did in 1924.

Heck, I’d even say this would boost offense like back in the 80’s because of the increase in defensive zone faceoffs. (Goalies aren’t immune from rules, you know.) These guys would have to make sure the airborne arrow stayed onside. Plus, if the arrow — heaven forbid — goes through a player’s skull, it would be an illegal check to the head, resulting in a five-minute major penalty. 

Listen, I’m not asking for a harpoon gun or something crazy like the Hartford Whalers used to do. I’m just asking for goalies like me to be a little more armed. There are literal Kraken and Panthers lurking out there.