Thoughtful 76ers Fan Only Sends Ben Simmons One Death Threat Per Week

Despite Ben Simmons having left the Philadelphia 76ers standard Philly tradition consists of dozens upon dozens of death threats per week, until death. Except for one, thoughtful, wise, and one of a kind fan.

Lifelong fan Lewis Cerullo has decided to cut back to one heinous, rage-fueled letter each week out of a newfound empathy for the Sixers star. “I just became a father,” Cerullo told his followers on Instagram. “I wouldn’t want my son receiving hundreds of death threats — even if he wasn’t living up to his draft potential, shrinking at the end of big games, choking on the foul line, or sitting on the bench all season like a candyass crybaby. Only a handful of credible threats to his life would be appropriate.”

Cerullo says that his threats now also lack the punch of his peers’ letters. “Whereas your typical threat would be a 2- or 3-paged affair with serial-killer scribbles and diagrams, I try to limit mine to 100 words or less,” Cerullo’s post said. “And if I do a drawing, it’s usually a stick figure with X-es on the eyes and the label ‘die bitch.’ After all, I’m a dad now.”

Cerullo went on to say he used to send at least several threats a day during the week — and more on weekends. To him, telling Ben Simmons to die in a plane crash or drink bleach used to be as ritualistic as his morning beer. But now he sees such behavior as the folly of an irresponsible bachelor.

“I have to look my baby son in the eyes. And I don’t want him seeing his pops as the kind of guy who tells Ben Simmons to get skull-fucked by Ben Franklin’s ghost every single day,” Cerullo wrote. “You can’t do that as a parent. Not if you want to raise a good man in this world. You have to temper your death threats.”

Although Cerullo is content with his new perspective, commenters seemed to universally disapprove, with many Philadelphians adding Cerullo and his infant son to their weekly death threat portfolio.