Unlikely Allies: This Eagles Fan And This Cowboys Fan Just Put Their Differences Aside To Burn Down A Homeless Encampment

In a heartwarming display of burying the hatchet, longtime rival fans of the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys announced that they would be calling a temporary truce in order to join forces and set fire to a local encampment of unhoused people in the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area.

“The Cowboys will always be a pack of cuckfucking cheaters, but some things are more important than sports, you know?” said visiting Philadelphia resident Michael “Nutsack” Scolari, pausing from soaking a distraught family of four’s donated blanket in lighter fluid to talk to reporters. “We might be from different cultures, have different accents, and hell, even vote differently, but some fan bases just have the same things in common when it comes to who we are, deep down, as people.”

Cowboys fan Nolan Griegos — who recently set a Guinness World Record for sucker-punching over 200 frightened Venezuelan migrants in under 15 minutes — agreed, stating that the two franchises’ longtime rivalry almost seemed to aid fans’ synchronicity as they terrorized their way through the tent city under the North Central Expressway.

“Teams can, and will, hate each other, but we all can pay proper respect to the craft that comes with being a true football fan,” noted Griegos. “Whether it’s complaining about the constant chaos within your front office, frolicking in bloodlust as you choke out a mentally ill 68-year-old with a souvenir jersey, or even just agreeing San Francisco gets all the calls, sometimes the enemy of your enemy can be your friend.”

Spokespersons for both teams’ fanbases noted they had no immediate plans to stop harassing the gathering of Dallas’ most vulnerable and infirm. However, they did note things might change if their teams made it to the playoffs, in which case they would both be too busy fighting their local police forces in celebration to properly terrorize their own citizens.