7 Objects You Should Never Ejaculate on During the National Anthem

Over the past few years there have been a lot of questions of what you can and can’t do during the national anthem. We’re here to help–here are 7 things you can’t ejaculate on during the anthem:

  1. Bald Eagle

Dousing one of these noble birds in a heavy coat of weird goopy goo sounds honorable, but it requires you to leave your seat to trap a bald eagle, and trapping a bald eagle in this country is still illegal. 

  1. The Constitution

The Founding Fathers knew a strong centralized government would hinder the natural right to freely ejaculate, so they left it unregulated, just because you have the right to fire some penis goo onto our nation’s founding document doesn’t mean you should exercise it.

  1. The Little American Flag Sticker on Player Helmets

Individuals in uniform should absolutely aim some wiener sap on the small adhesive flags adorning player helmets. Veterans and non-uniform personnel can masturbate if they choose, but civilians are barred from nutting on those tempting Old Glories unless their hat is removed and their right hand is over their scrotum.

  1. Blue Angels Military Flyover

As the anthem concludes, prepare for a squadron of Blue Angels to soar over the venue and tempt you into Shrek-ing all over those beautiful Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornets. Don’t do it. Navy mechanics insist gobs of male ranch dressing clog the hydraulics systems.

  1. Your Pocket Bible

It’s easy to mistake the recitation of the national anthem as the ideal time to shoot Trojan yogurt into the pocket Bible your grandfather left you. Though it seems like ejaculating into Psalm 34:15 might help you think of the man you once knew that stormed the beaches of Normandy,  we recommend a post-anthem Bible ejaculation for a more fitting tribute to his service. 

  1. Digital Fireworks Display on Jumbotron

A festive display that everyone loves should invite the unleashing of some meat malt, right? Unfortunately, by law, only Jerry Jones is allowed to penis plop on Jumbotrons. 

  1. Freedom

Freedom can’t really work if it’s caked in your Star-Spangled boner bomb, and without freedom, gunking in public wouldn’t be allowed.