NFL Owners Finally Able To Enjoy Jumbotron Pornography In Peace

While the novel coronavirus continues to impact everyday life, there have been some bright spots for athletes, who now spend more time with their families. For NFL owners, it’s provided them the much-needed opportunity to kick back and enjoy jumbotron pornography in peace.

“I typically can only watch my porn in the office, but these turbulent times have allowed me to relax in the suite and catch up on all the babysitter and stepson action I’ve missed,” Patriots owner Robert Kraft said. “I’m having a porn pavilion built for better sight lines too.”

“I feel rejuvenated. It’s been years since I could grab a soda, some popcorn, walk to midfield, and watch my PornHub queue without fans disturbing my quiet time,” Redskins owner Daniel Synder said. “Nothing beats watching a pile of humans ravaging one another in crystal clear HD on a 30-feet by 100-feet screen and hearing the moans in our world-class audio system.”

Snyder added he plans to enhance his porn experience by coercing Virginia taxpayers into funding a retractable roof so he may watch his hentai in peace for the foreseeable future.