Bears Fan Too Drunk On Meat To Know They’re Losing

Smiling and laughing while wolfing down another sizable stack of ribs, Bears fan Arnold Boury was reportedly too drunk on meat to realize his team was getting shellacked during last Sunday’s loss to the Browns, according to sources at the game.

“It started with a little roast beef at the tailgate, but by the end of the first quarter he was so wasted on popcorn chicken that he wasn’t even looking at the field when Kareem Hunt scored,” said Eleanor Young, Boury’s friend. “By the end of the first half, he was so sausage-faced I thought he was going to fall over.”

According to Young, Boury was bragging about tasting venison for the first time with his dad during the 1985 Super Bowl when he dropped his two-foot salami stick. The inebriated Boury never saw the Bears fumble on the next play as he was too busy searching for his salami under the seats. 

Boury had reportedly left his seat to try to convince a concessions worker to break the rules and serve him chicken wings in the fourth quarter as the game ended. While leaving the stadium Boury’s salami slurred speech mentioned to his friends how thrilling it was to watch the Bears win, like always.