Waterboy Tired Of Hearing About La Croix

Longtime Dallas Waterboy Ben Morrow has been supplying water in various containers for most of his life but he has reached a tipping point. Morrow, a 30 year Hydration-veteren, is not taking aqua blasphemy laying down. This Waterboy is tired of hearing about this LaCroix flash in the pan. 

“History has shown time and time again that REAL water is the dominant liquid,” said Morrow at his home, surrounded by his collector Dasani water bottles. “I’ve seen all the pretenders come and go. I remember in 1995 that All Sport was going to revolutionize the game. Well where is it now?” Morrow continued, visibility frustrated by the implication that sparkling water in any form could match up to tried and true H2O. 

“Last time I checked, this was the United States Of America. We get hydrated through non seltzer based water. This isn’t France, man. If we drink something carbonated, you damn well know it’s going to have sugar and calories,” Morrow continued in defiance. “I’m a Waterboy, not a LacCroix Boy,” Morrow screamed in defense of his profession. This isn’t the first time Morrow has felt attacked by the existence of another drink. Morrow recalled the “Perrier Scare of ‘92” and the “Fresca Wars,” but notes that he knows this fad will pass too.  However, he was reminded of the cost of an aquatic battle, noting that “we lost a lot of well hydrated men in that war.” Morrow was able to find some common ground with LaCroix after an hour of old war stories though when he came to the realization that “at least LaCroix has some water in it, unlike that monster and my longtime nemesis Club Soda.” 

While Morrow believes that LaCroix is not going to replace his beloved water anytime, he was driven nearly to the point of insanity when informed about the existence of Propel Fitness water and Gatorade Gels. Yet, the water professional continues to remind himself that the world is 70 percent water, and 0 percent bubble water.