Dick Butkus Demolishes Yet Another Angel In The Open Field

Dick Butkus, who passed through Heaven’s Gate in early October, does not seem to be slowing down his aggressive style of play. “ESPN Heaven” reported Sunday that the Hall of Fame linebacker continues to absolutely destroy God’s beautiful angels with soul-crushing open-field tackles, despite the league’s soft-contact policy. 

Sources in the Heaven Football League report that the more peaceful the player, the more Butkus seems to want to annihilate them. Just earlier this month, the former Bear broke Mahatma Gandhi’s collarbone (for which Gandhi forgave him) and hit Ray Charles so hard he could see again. And while on an option play, he apparently teamed up with Freddie Mercury to clothesline Vincent Van Gogh. 

“I keep trying to tell him it’s two-hand touch,” said Martin Luther King Jr., who’s been playing in the HFL since the spring of 1968. “Our brand of football is active, yes, but nonviolent.” 

Others echoed MLK’s concerns.“He’s ruthless to beautiful, historical people,” observed Meat Loaf, who joined the league in early 2022. “His form is impeccable, and he still finds a way, though we’re no longer corporeal, to put the hurt on.” 

Despite his success, “The Animal” has experienced early adversity. Queen Elizabeth II famously stiff-armed him for extra yardage, and, earlier this season, after Butkus intercepted a pass intended for Olivia Newton John, Stephen Hawking stripped it out of his hands. 

“He still lets his anger get the best of him,” said John Madden. “Maybe that’s why he has yet to make the playoffs.” 

The two-time Defensive Player of the Year has meanwhile created a “kill list” that includes Malala (“when she’s ready”), St. Augustine, St. Teresa, and St. Paul. “I hate the Saints,” said Butkus. “Always have.”