Aaron Rodgers To Spend Next Offseason In LA Soft Launching New Cult
Calling the move “critical for his physical and emotional healing,” veteran quarterback Aaron Rodgers has announced plans to take time during the NFL’s offseason to become the spiritual and salvational leader of his newly formed “deeper enlightenment commune” in his home state of California.
“The Earth is telling me to stop being selfish with what I have learned, and to bring my superior way of living to the comprehension-starved masses,” said the white-robe-adorned 39-year-old with his achilles wrapped in “pure hemp.” Rodgers noted his commune would be open to all who were willing to embrace his philosophy so long as they do not look him in the eyes, mention Wisconsin, or make any “tearing sounds.” “For the next few months, I will devote myself solely towards those who have the foresight to catch my perfect spiraled truth. No matter how far above or behind them it is.”
Rodgers first came up with his cult idea in November 2021, after a heartbreaking loss to the San Francisco 49ers confirmed to the quarterback what he had long been suspecting: that the Universe had a far greater purpose for him than that of merely winning football games. Soon afterward, an obsessive Rodgers began skipping film review sessions to draft plans for a cement compound in the shape of a handlebar mustache, spend time trying to convince fellow players that Mike McCarthy never existed, and hand out pamphlets to fans hailing his perfect throwing motion as proof of his “inherent divinity.”
“Studying our official literature, while encouraged, is not required,” noted the quarterback. “Those who can prove purity of mind–such as believing I am much more greatness than those who have “won” more–are welcome to show up and just call an audible.”
Rodgers noted he plans for the commune to take permanent residence along the Malibu coastline, although he did note the potential to move the cult to New York provided the Universe blesses him with cosmic power to not choke in the playoffs.
