Analytics Added To Golf In Attempt To Make Sport Even More Boring

Speaking in front of PGA Tour headquarters outside of Jacksonville, Florida, commissioner Jay Monahan announced a striking set of changes to the way the game would be played, noting that as of next Thursday, new analytics startup company LethargaLon would be partnering with the PGA to provide state-of-the-art analytics in an attempt to make the sport even more oppressively, painfully dull.

“LethargaLon’s initial research showed us that unlike other sports, viewers love the peak blandness they experience from watching our top athletes shuffle around and occasionally hit a ball to an off-camera location. But we admit there are still far too many moments of possible excitement to be found in this game,” said the commissioner, who noted that one of the great things already built-in with golf analytics would be the extra, stupefyingly mind-numbing monotony of having to pause and recalculate the data any time the wind shifted direction. “Imagine watching Rory McIlroy spend nearly twenty minutes poring over a set of Microsoft Excel spreadsheets while a team of Ivy League STEM grads debate whether he should use a 6-iron or a 3-hybrid behind him. Now that’s the kind of colorless anti-spectacle that really shows what golf’s all about.”

Monahan also provided several sample statistical breakdowns to reporters, including data such as plaid pants per competitor per hole, best inebriation level for mid-range putts, and the optimal decibel level players should use when screaming at their caddies after flubbing a shot.

“Of course, those decibel levels should be divided in half for the televised rounds,” added Monahan. “We wouldn’t want to excite anyone.”

Monahan then turned the microphone over to the PGA’s most recent unmemorable star, Bryson DeChambeau, who spent the next fifty minutes describing the many new ways in which LethargaLon’s data was maximizing his ability to act like an entitled douchebag.