Hear Us Out: NASCAR But With Magic Boxes Hiding Secret Weapons

In the 72 years since NASCAR was founded, the organization hasn’t changed much at all. If they want to have any hope of keeping pace with more entertaining sports like football, hockey, and the fourth quarter of NBA games, they’re going to need to mix things up. That’s why it’s time for NASCAR to start placing magic boxes containing weapons around the racetrack. 

The first question is obvious: what weapons will be hiding inside of these boxes? One thing to take into consideration is parity. So why not a lightning bolt that will shrink cars in front of you to one-tenth their size? Too much of an advantage for last place, you say? Well, that’s why drivers leading the pack will get banana peels that will cause the cars behind them to spin out. Don’t worry about the physics, NASCAR scientists will figure it out. 

What NASCAR really needs is more nonstop action. Drivers won’t have to make pit stops if they can simply hit a mushroom box to refuel their cars. No, it’s not technically a weapon. Yes, the mushrooms are the fuel. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it won’t work. 

There will be other weapons, too. I’m not entirely sure how, but turtle shells will be involved. Different kinds of turtle shells with different powers. Maybe even bombs with little feet. No, I’m not crazy. They also called Einstein crazy, but if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t have nuclear weapons. 

The racetrack is also in need of a facelift. No more boring circles. A winding track will cause far more accidents, which is the only reason people watch NASCAR anyway. And there will be hot lava surrounding the track. Maybe one track will be a giant space rainbow. Yeah, it’ll be expensive. So was going to the moon. At least this time, it’ll be for a good cause.