Baseball Cancelled Now That Football Is Back

In light of football’s triumphant return to the American sports scene after a harrowing year, league officials have decided to indefinitely cancel the baseball season since it will no longer be needed or wanted by the public.

The decision was announced this week via a mass text sent to all Americans that contained a .GIF of Hank Williams Jr. singing “Are you ready for no baseball?” as well as a demand to change the channel from the recipient’s local FOX Sports channel to NBC.

The announcement has been met with celebration across the country. “After a year like ours, it’s like having the boys come home from war. I was worried we’d have to make the patriotic sacrifice of getting really into baseball because football wouldn’t happen,” one Green Bay Packers fan told reporters. “I guess I can bring my NFL flag up from half-mast now.”

Even MLB fans were happy with the decision. “Nuts to baseball, I’m excited to see how Brady does in Tampa,” Houston Astros pitcher Justin Verlander told reporters, echoing his colleagues across the MLB. “Baseball’s just something we all do to occupy most of our time in between football seasons.”

For all games that were currently in progress during the announcement, the National Guard, in conjunction with the MLB, declared that “next run wins” and promised to evacuate players to their off-season homes before the NFL’s first kickoff.

The MLB is slated to return next spring with the modification that football will be played in lieu of baseball.