NFL Begs Fans To Try And Understand What Owners Are Going Through Right Now

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed in a press conference on Wednesday his extreme displeasure at the tone in which the American public had used to discuss the various team owners in the league, saying he expected sympathy and understanding during what would undoubtedly be the frail, aging billionaires’ roughest few months of their lives.

“Most of these owners are facing the very real prospect of not being able to have other people work for them for an entire year,” said Goodell, scrolling through a slide show behind him with images of a bleary-eyed and visibly skinnier Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie aimlessly wandering the halls of his 13,000-square-foot mansion. “And even if we have a season, we still might have to take several strict, profit-hindering measures. At this rate, these owners’ take-home pay could get down to as low as only a few hundred million dollars, which is obviously unsustainable.”

For some owners, the financial cost pales in comparison to the loneliness and isolation.

“That’s honestly the worst part of it,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “You never realize how big the fields are until you’re just stranded at AT&T Stadium by yourself. Plus, you can’t even travel internationally. Can you imagine having three homes and only being able to use one of them?”

Jones has been counting down the days until the NFL announces a return-to-play plan.

“I just hope Roger makes the right call. I’d give anything to hang out with all my cool black friends who work for me again.”