Reckless Zamboni Driver Cranks It Up To 10MPH

Blinded by a desire to resurface ice faster than anyone else in history, reckless zamboni driver Simon Bernard was seen pushing his vehicle to a blistering 10MPH during last night’s Ottawa Senators game – a speed well past the NHL’s legal safety limit.

“We tried to slow him down, but he blew right past every whistle we had,” recalled longtime Canadian Tire Centre linesman, Al Johannson. “Thank god we hid those emergency anti-zamboni spikes in the blue line just in case something like this ever happened.”

Bernard, whose zamboni finally came to a halt by the far goal crease, did not comply when local officials asked him to turn over his license and registration, choosing instead to try and escape the arrest on foot.

“At first we were all going to chase him, but the son of a bitch did such a good job shaving the ice, he slipped almost immediately,” said Johannson. “It’s a shame he has such an impetuous streak – man’s as natural a zamboner as they come.”

Although Bernard is currently banned from driving a professional zamboni until he graduates from the NHL’s 4-hour Online Traffic School, the precipitous driver says he has learned nothing, and plans to continue breaking ice cleaning speed records until the day he dies in a fiery zamboni explosion.