Batboy Becomes Batman After Batmitzva

Last Saturday, the Chicago Cubs family celebrated Batboy Simon Rosenberg’s BatMitzvah where he became a Batman following traditional Baseball doctrine. The rite of passage featured Simon reading the infielder portion of the 1893 Lineup Card passed down from generations in front of his friends, family, and umpire rabbi. He reportedly messed up a few words during his reading, but everyone was too proud to notice.

“It’s every manager’s dream to watch their little Batboy in his personalized cap embark on his journey to Batmanhood,” Cubs’ manager David Ross announced to the sold-out stadium before lifting his virgin Old Style and yelling “L’Chomerun!”

Although some of Rosenberg’s friends are football fans, they felt welcomed as Beth Wrigley Field is a reformed ballpark, unlike the strict, orthodox Baseball sect found at Temple B’Yankee Shalom.

“This is my first BatMitzvah but thankfully I knew to bring a gift in an increment of $32 to commemorate Sandy Koufax,” childhood friend (and football fan) Constantine Katsulis told Simon’s mom, “I’m absolutely stoked to do that baseball dance where we run around the bases and toss Simon up and down on a seat from the bleachers – the legendary ‘Home Run Horah.’”

While the celebration is a huge milestone, most people agree 13 is too young to be a Batman, especially considering the rampant playoff peach fuzz and obscene amount of middle school grinding present in the outfield. And yet, Chicago has yet another Batman – Simon Rosenberg.

After the ceremony multiple reports close to the situation have confirmed that despite Simon’s new Batmanhood, he’s still years away from eligibility of leading The Chicago Cubs Passover Seder. 

L’Chomerun, Simon!