Bowler’s Divorce Leads To 7-10 Custody Split

The entire bowling world winced in horror this week as longtime PBA competitor Steve Haffner bowled a complete gutterball in his divorce proceedings, leading to an absolute worst-case-scenario split between custody of his ten year old daughter, Regan, and seven year old son, Billy.

“I was feeling a clean game when I walked through that courtroom door, but I guess I really messed up on the follow-through,” said Haffner, speaking in front of Fox Sports cameras as his ex-wife dragged a tearful Billy into an awaiting PT Cruiser in the background behind them. “When I look back at the scorecard, there were definitely a few times where I went over the line, so I’m sure I got penalized for that.”

According to the Professional Bowling Association’s Division of Child Psychiatry, a 7-10 split is generally viewed as a worst-case scenario in divorcing; both for the two children involved, and for the parent in question, who oftentimes must put a nearly impossible amount of spin on their prepared statement in order to have any chance of collecting both children in the end.

Even though the odds were stacked against him, Haffner maintained that his strategy was sound, alluding to an oft-repeated saying among divorcees that if you take the ten first, you’re more likely to get the seven as well, especially if the father in question is right-handed.

“Overall, I’ve been on a cold streak lately divorce-proceedings-wise, so I’d say I’m overdue for a perfect game on the appeal.” said Haffner, taking off his lucky divorce shoes to air out his feet, “And hopefully that can happen soon. I’ve just gotta wait until I get my balls back.”