Browns Willing To Offer 3 First Rounders To Raiders For Maxx Crosby If He’s Willing To Throw In Achilles Tear And 24 Assault Allegations

The Browns are rumored to be closing in on a trade for star defensive end Maxx Crosby, though with some conditions attached. Namely, insiders say the organization would like to see the 28-year-old use his loyal, upstanding reputation to become a sleazebag made out of wet cardboard.

“We expect him to dig deep, right down to the gutter. I’m talking 15, 16 assault allegations per season,” remarked head coach Todd Monken. “Not just that — we want to see a shredded achilles, a shattered knee, really every injury you’d shoot a horse for having.” 

A team just a few key pieces from being just a few key pieces away from being a squad worth rooting for, Cleveland’s top brass is hoping to find a used needle in a sea of diamonds.

“I’m no fool, I know what this team deserves. If Maxx can prove himself to be not just a menace to society, but a downright disgrace to the man below himself, I will sign him to an $800 million contract right now,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “Anyone in the NFL can tell ya what it takes to keep an athlete’s body running like a fine motor. I’m lookin’ to spend my fortune on a Ford Pinto with three wheels and a leaky gas tank.”

Sports Riot attempted to reach out to general manager Andrew Berry for comment before being informed he will be in the ICU through the draft after being sicced upon by Myles Garrett.