Dad Just Wants One Season Where Phillies Go 162–0 With No Close Games

Longtime Phils fan Ron D’Amico announced Sunday that if he could’ve made one small wish for this season it would be to see the Fightin Phils win every single game — and not just by a little. By a lot. 

From his living-room recliner in Broomall, Pa., D’Amico lamented his struggles with the team. “It’s just, I work all day, I get home, I turn on the TV, all I want to see is my home team scoring seventeen runs in an inning in front of their weeping opponents that night — and every night for the rest of the season.” Added D’Amico, “Do you know how many games they lost in ’08? Seventy. Seventy games. That’s a good season?”

After sixty-five seasons of fandom, the veteran handyman just wants to see the team to go out there and win every time, preferably by an 11- or 200-run differential, without using a single relief pitcher. 

“Everybody goes nine innings,” he said. “One hundred sixty-two no-hit shutouts is all I want . . . Hey, I’m not asking for perfect games.” 

When it was mentioned that the Phils have reached the playoffs each of the last four years, D’Amico said, “Yeah, but the other night they had first-and-third, nobody out, Turner’s up to bat . . .” He went on to detail their inability to score a run that inning, despite having won the game 16–1. “We never shoulda got rid of Schilling,” he sighed. 

With a recent loss to the Rockies Sunday night, the Phillies have so far posted a 5-4 record, dashing D’Amico’s hopes of doing the unprecedented. “Looks like we’re headed for another bullshit 100-win season,” he said. He is still holding out hope, however, that the Mets will go 0–162.